Repentance and Reconciliation: The True Desire of Yom Kippur

Published on September 16, 2026

אִם יִרְצֶה הַשֵּׁם

Based on the teachings of Rav Avigdor Miller zt"l

Key Lessons

Yom Kippur is not only about being forgiven. It is about being reconciled with Hashem.

Kaparah must be desired. Belief alone is not enough.

The essence of sin is distance from Hashem. The essence of teshuvah is returning to His favor.

Atonement is not automatic. Hashem waits for us to want it.

Delaying teshuvah is a serious mistake. It shows that we are not eager to return.

The words we say on Yom Kippur shape our minds and hearts.

Practical Takeaways

Before Yom Kippur, ask forgiveness from family and friends. Use the simple formula: "Let's forgive each other for what we know and what we don't know."

Daven with energy. Raise your voice if possible. Cry out "Selach lanu, mechal lanu, kaper lanu."

When saying al cheit, focus not only on the specific sin but on the pain of being distant from Hashem.

Choose a minyan where people daven with feeling. It will inspire you to desire kaparah.

On motzei Yom Kippur, celebrate that you have been restored to Hashem's favor.

Throughout the day, repeat the desire: "I want to be close to You again."

Part I: Desiring Kaparah

Out-of-Style Burial

The Gemara in Mesichta Sanhedrin (46b) discusses a man who leaves an order that he should not be buried. The question is: do we obey him or not? Everyone knows burial is a mitzvah. You must bury a meis in the earth. But the question is: what is the function of burial?

The Gemara offers two possibilities:

Burial for Bizayon: To prevent disgrace to the family.
Burial for Kaparah: For atonement. When the body is placed in the earth, the soul mourns as it witnesses the body's disintegration. This is a kaparah for the person's sins.

The Gemara concludes: if burial is for kaparah, and the man said "I don't want any atonement," then we follow his request. As Rashi explains, even if we bury him, it won't help him. Atonement is something you have to want.

This teaches us a fundamental principle: Atonement is not automatic. You must desire it for it to function.

Yom Kippur is Forever

The difference between yes atonement and no atonement is enormous. It's not just about this world, but the Next World. Even a person who doesn't care to live anymore must exert himself on Yom Kippur with all his heart, because his eternal life is at risk.

All of your teshuvah, all of your al cheits, and all of your tefillos will accomplish according to the degree to which you desire kaparah.

Belief + Desire = Atonement

Of course, you must believe in it first. If a person doesn't believe that Yom Kippur is mechaper, then there's nothing to desire. You have to believe that Yom Kippur is actually a cleansing, that it washes clean your soul of the stains.

But belief alone is not enough. The fellow in the Gemara who said "Don't bury me" believed. But he didn't desire it! You have to crave it, yearn for it. And the more you desire it, the more you'll get it.

The Essential Element

The essential preface to all teshuvah is to acquire the fundamental attitude of earnestly desiring kaparah. That has to be our greatest goal on Yom Kippur: we want kaparah. And we want it with all our hearts!

That's why we spend so much time crying out for it, because the crying out is the proof that you want it. Nobody says weakly, "Please save my life." You'll scream if you feel your life is in danger! The crying out shows you're serious.

The Yom Kippur Walk

If you walk on Yom Kippur past a place where people are relaxed and quiet, and then pass by a yeshiva where everybody is shouting and weeping, you might think the yeshiva is a wicked place. It's just the opposite. The more stupid you are, the more uninterested you are in atonement.

That's why I recommend davening in a shul where people mean it, where they yell and cry and weep. Because even if you don't cry and shout, if you're fortunate enough to daven among such Jews, you become impressed by that. You learn that it's an important subject, and so you also begin to desire forgiveness.

Part II: Understanding Kaparah

The Cleansing Atonement

What is it exactly that I'm desiring? Of course, we understand that it means being cleansed of our sins. But kaparah really means something else, something much bigger: it means you're coming close to Hashem after having been estranged from Him.

Returning to His Embrace

The essence of atonement is that you want to be reconciled with Hakadosh Baruch Hu. You were in a tiff. You made some kind of quarrel with Him. Maybe it was in a minor way or maybe even a major way, but whatever it is, you walked away. That's what a sin is: you turned your back on Hakadosh Baruch Hu.

And so it's not only that you have stains that have to be removed. The worst thing of all is that you're very far away from Hashem. When a person seeks atonement, it means he is seeking to reconcile with Hakadosh Baruch Hu. He wants to come back to His favor. And that's the greatest happiness in the world.

A History of Seeking Favor

That's why when you study Tanach, you see again and again that our great men desired Hashem's favor. At the beginning of history, Hakadosh Baruch Hu was close to mankind. A sin was measured in the sense of turning away from Hashem and His closeness and favor dissipating. That was the tragedy of a sin.

Hashem's Embrace

The Medrash says that when Hashem took Adam and put him in Gan Eden, it was like marriage, likuchin haya bo. Hakadosh Baruch Hu took Adam close to Him with a very great love. Every day, Hashem spoke to him.

But all that was before the cheit. When Adam committed a sin, it says vayigaresh et Adam, Hashem drove out the man. The Medrash says it was geirushin, a divorce. The beautiful shidduch that took place now was falling apart.

Adam didn't merely grieve because he lost that beautiful garden. He grieved because he lost the greatest joy that a person could have in this life: the favor of Hashem; being close to Him.

Kayin Seeks Favor

The same thing was repeated in the case of Kayin. When Kayin brought that offering, he was doing it because he remembered the good old days that his father had described to him when he was close to the Shechinah.

And now something remarkable took place. Vayichar l'Kayin me'od, Kayin was exceedingly distressed. He fell into a tremendous depression as a result of this. He was ruined! He lost favor!

We're surprised by that. We think it's a small matter. But Kayin was wiser than us. He understood the purpose of life and he was ruined!

Shaul's Deepest Anxiety

One more example: You remember the story when Dovid was anointed by Shmuel Hanavi, so it says, v'ruach Hashem sarah me'im Shaul, the spirit of Hashem departed from Shaul, and a ruach ra'ah from Hashem caused him anxiety.

Shaul was mentally unbalanced? He should become depressed?

The answer is there had been a special spirit of closeness to Hashem, of being in His favor, and when that departed, Shaul was almost insane from sorrow. That's what Yom Kippur really is: v'nirtzah lo l'chaper alav, the kaparah brings you back to His favor. And that's what makes life successful.

Part III: Delaying Kaparah

Changing Styles

Most people in our modern time think that it's up to us to serve Hashem, to do things to demonstrate our love of Him. But to do things to gain His love of us? It's a concept that's not in style.

We must confess that today our attitude is that we are pretty good people if we do what's required of us. We look around and see so many disloyal people, so when you are mekayem the Shulchan Aruch, you feel that you're doing pretty well by Hakadosh Baruch Hu.

And therefore, we're not yearning for more closeness to Hashem. We're satisfied with ourselves and we don't even recognize that our souls are down in the dumps when we're separated from Hashem.

Three Daily Reminders

It shouldn't be a new idea to us, because we say it every day in Shemoneh Esrei. Retzei follows Shema Koleinu. Shema Koleinu is a prayer that Hashem should listen to our tefillos. But then we say Retzei: Hashem, favor Your people, Yisroel, and favor their prayer.

What's this for? Retzei is not that Hashem should accept our prayers and fulfill our desires. No, that's Shema Koleinu. Retzei means we want that Hashem should like us. "Hashem, favor us. You should have ratzon in us. You should love us because we are trying to serve You."

Yom Kippur: Day of Reconciliation

That's the core of repentance: the desire to come close to Hashem. That feeling of closeness to Him, that's what we're aiming for. It's the kaparah of knowing we were restored to His favor.

And therefore, that's the first kavanah when we daven on Yom Kippur; we want to be once more reconciled with our greatest Friend, with our true Father. And He's waiting for that!

The Sin of Procrastination

To not take advantage of every minute of the days leading up to Yom Kippur and especially Yom Kippur itself, that itself is a terrible avlah, a tremendous sin. Because if you have the chance and you don't grab it, it means you're not so interested in being reconciled with your Father.

The Sin Multiplier

Rabbeinu Yonah in his Shaarei Teshuvah gives a mashal: A robber was captured and put in prison. While in jail, he and his fellow robbers dug a tunnel and escaped. But one of them remained behind. In the morning, the warden beat him. The robber said, "What do you want of me? I'm good. I didn't run away!" The warden said, "You fool! Why didn't you escape?"

If it's possible to escape, if there's a hatch, and you don't use it, that shows that you're not embarrassed about what you did. Not wanting to escape means not wanting ratzon. And therefore, Hakadosh Baruch Hu is going to give him a bigger punishment for not escaping, because it means you're not interested in coming back to Him.

Escape to Ratzon

"Come back to Me!" Hashem says. "I'm waiting with open arms!" That summarizes the attitude of the Torah towards atonement. He's summoning us to teshuvah and He says, Shuvu banim shovavim, turn back, you wayward children.

We're His children. But because of our sins, we're estranged children. And this Father, He's the One Who matters most. Yom Kippur is the day of Hashem ya'asfeni! The Day of Restoration! We are happy that we're able to be restored to His favor, to come back once more into the arms of Hakadosh Baruch Hu.

Part IV: Activating Kaparah

Superficial Ideals

Everything we're speaking about is pure abstraction. Yes, it's a noble ideal; it's a sublime frame of mind. The problem is that abstractions, even the greatest ideals, usually don't sink in deeply.

I recall ideals that I thought I acquired but they didn't penetrate enough. I was walking once on Avenue P in the wintertime. An Italian called across the street to his neighbor, "Hey, be careful. It's slippery." I prided myself that I once learned in Slabodka and I had picked up Slabodka ideals. So I said to myself, "He's not saying it for his neighbor. He's saying it for me. Min HaShamayim they had this Italian call across the street for my benefit that I should watch my step." At that moment I slipped on some ice and fell on my back. And lying on my back, I was thinking, "Look how far away the thoughts are from the deeds."

From Wanting to Desiring

We see how great is the peril of being satisfied with superficialities. We shouldn't just talk about wanting to achieve the retzon Hashem, but we should actually want it.

That's why the Yom Kippur davening is so precious. An entire day of davening dedicated to this ideal of coming back to Hashem. And the more you say it, the more it goes into your soul.

Talking to Yourself

The Chovos Halevavos says: Mipnei shemachsheves hanefesh holeches achar hamaamar, because the thought of the soul goes after what a man is saying, v'nimsheches el hadibur, and is drawn after his speech. What you say is what makes you.

The words that issue from your mouth create your mind and your character. It's the speaking that changes your mind. And so when you say again and again, "I'm so sorry for moving away from You," it makes a metamorphosis in your mind.

Convincing Yourself

The great achievement of Yom Kippur is when we address ourselves to Hakadosh Baruch Hu again and again. All of the repetition is in order to impress us with the urgency of desiring. All of your words on Yom Kippur are so that you should hear what you're saying.

If you can, shout! "Selach lanu, mechal lanu, kaper lanu!" Give a krechtz too. Even if you don't mean it, give a krechtz: "Oh, Ribono Shel Olam, I want to be close to You again. Please forgive me and take me back."

It's very important to krechtz, to sigh, to groan, because you estranged yourself from Hakadosh Baruch Hu.

The Day of Breaking Barriers

Today's the day! Dirshu, search for Him, bih'yoso karov, when He's near. Today, He's closest, and therefore every second of Yom Kippur is precious. If Yom Kippur would last a month, it would be the best thing in the world.

From begging for forgiveness we convince ourselves how important forgiveness is and we learn the necessity of earnestly yearning to be reconciled with Hakadosh Baruch Hu. And as we do teshuvah, we are getting rid of the barriers; merely by words we say again and again, we're taking down those barriers, the sins that are blocking our way back to Him.

Yearning for Hashem

That's why lo hayu yamim tovim l'Yisrael k'Yom HaKippurim, in the ancient days, we didn't have any happy occasions like Yom Kippur. Yom Kippur was one of the two happiest days on the Jewish calendar because in those days, everyone realized what the yearning in his heart was.

Today, not so much. People are yearning for something but they don't realize what for. You might think you're yearning for adventure, for pleasure, for travel. All these things are errors that people try to substitute in order to still that great desire of their hearts, the desire to come close to Hashem.

Celebrating Our Return

That's why we go home and eat a big seudah on motzei Yom Kippur. So some think that it's a celebration because I did such a great job. No, that's not it. You're celebrating that you're restored to Hashem's favor!

After Yom Kippur you are full of gratitude that Hakadosh Baruch Hu gave you this day to come back to Him. And you're so happy with regaining that favor, regaining that status as a loyal subject, that you're celebrating it.

Let's Get Practical

Coming Back To Him

Yom Kippur is a day of unparalleled happiness because it affords us the opportunity to reunite with Hakadosh Baruch Hu. Sins create a blockage, and when our slate is cleared, we can reconnect.

This Yom Kippur, bli neder, I am going to daven with more energy, raising the volume of my voice, if I can get away with it. As I say the words of the tefillos, aside from yearning to have my sins forgiven, I will have in mind that my most deep and fundamental desire is to have closeness with Hashem.

Q&A

Q: We're supposed to ask each other for forgiveness before Yom Kippur. Can you explain the procedure that one might use to seek people's forgiveness?

A: When we wish to get someone to forgive us, I will suggest a diplomatic approach.

Go over to him and say, "You know, it's coming close to Yom Kippur, and the Jewish nation has a custom of asking forgiveness of each other. So maybe we'll say to each other that we forgive each other for what we know and what we don't know. Let's forgive each other for everything."

And if he agrees, so it's done; it's valid. It's like a man who signs away his possessions. Once he signs, it's already done; if he forgives you, it's done.

Now, if you're going to approach him and say, "You know, I have something on my conscience that I did against you," so he'll get all heated up and he might think twice about forgiving you. So you're better off using my system and get him to forgive you as a formality.

It's a beautiful thing among Orthodox Jews to use this formality. Even in the home it's a beautiful minhag. You know, R' Itzele Peterburger, zichrono livracha, on erev Rosh Hashanah before he went out of his house to the shul, he turned back and said to his wife, "Zeit mir moichel, be mochel me please." And she was a smart woman; she said, "Un zei du mir moichel."

Oooh, that is wonderful. That's how the stains on your neshamah are wiped clean. It is a tremendous thing. Ask your wife to be mochel you before you come to shul on Yom Kippur. If you don't do that, there is a long list she has; she has a very long list against you! And so, whatever you do, you have to get forgiveness; you must get forgiveness or nothing will help.

This way, everybody forgives the other one, and so they start with a clean conscience.

September 1979