R Touitou - Flattery or The Delicate Balance of Praise

Shiur French audio

Neither post nor transcript have been reviewed by R. David Touitou chlita

Summary

Rav David Touitou chlita addresses the complexities of praise and flattery in contemporary society. He observes that our generation often struggles with genuine gratitude (hakarat hatov) and humility, exhibiting self-centeredness and a lack of appreciation for others' contributions. This creates a challenging dynamic where individuals crave recognition yet are resistant to expressing thanks, making sincere praise difficult to navigate. Rav Touitou emphasizes the importance of performing mitzvot l'shem shamayim (for the sake of Heaven), finding fulfillment in our relationship with G-d rather than external validation, and offering genuine encouragement while avoiding excessive or manipulative flattery. He highlights the potential dangers of pride and the risk of inadvertently triggering lashon hara (negative speech) through excessive praise. Ultimately, he encourages us to focus on our own spiritual growth and strive for sincerity in all our interactions.

Advice for Navigating These Times

• Do Good L'Shem Shamayim: Rav Touitou's primary advice is to perform acts of kindness and mitzvot purely l'shem shamayim, without expectation of earthly reward or recognition. This mindset protects us from disappointment and resentment when our efforts are not acknowledged and preserves the spiritual value of our actions. He emphasizes that our true reward comes from G-d, not from human praise. While not a specific historical narrative, Rav Touitou paints a vivid picture of what happens when someone is placed on too high a pedestal. He describes how excessive praise can inflate a person's ego, creating a dangerous level of self-importance. When this individual inevitably falls short of expectations, the fall is devastating, both for them and for those who placed them so high.

• Minimize Expectations of Gratitude: Given the prevailing lack of gratitude, Rav Touitou advises against expecting thanks or recognition for our good deeds. This doesn't mean we shouldn't appreciate gratitude when it is expressed, but rather that we shouldn't make it a condition for our acts of kindness. This detachment from the need for external validation allows us to continue giving freely without becoming discouraged.

• Flee Kavod and Recognition: He goes further to suggest actively fleeing kavod and recognition. In a generation obsessed with self-promotion and external validation, seeking honor can become a trap, leading to pride and spiritual downfall. By minimizing our desire for recognition, we maintain a healthier and more balanced perspective. Rav Touitou recounts how Rabbi Ovadia Yosef, despite being constantly showered with praise and accolades for his vast Torah knowledge and wisdom, remained remarkably humble and grounded. He deflected the flattery by attributing all his accomplishments to G-d and the teachings of the Shulchan Aruch.

• Focus on Your Own Path: Rav Touitou encourages focusing on our own spiritual growth and not being swayed by the opinions or behaviors of others. In a generation where negativity and criticism are prevalent, it's crucial to maintain our own inner compass and continue doing what is right, regardless of external pressures.

• Offer Sincere Encouragement, but with Caution: While cautioning against excessive flattery, Rav Touitou acknowledges the importance of offering sincere encouragement and support to others. However, this should be done with measure and sensitivity, being mindful of the potential for pride or triggering lashon hara. The focus should be on strengthening others and fostering positive relationships, not on inflating egos or seeking personal gain.

Briefing

• Limited Praise in Presence – Ktzat Shevach: The interaction between G-d and Noah serves as a paradigm for proper conduct. Even G-d, when addressing Noah directly, refrains from lavishing him with all his titles. This teaches us the importance of humility and avoiding excessive praise in someone's presence, as it can foster arrogance or create an uncomfortable atmosphere. The Chofetz Chaim (Rabbi Yisrael Meir Kagan) emphasizes the importance of sincerity in all our communications, and excessive praise can easily cross the line into insincerity, even if unintentional. [Genesis 7:1, Genesis 6:9] The idea is to offer ktzat shevach – a little praise – enough to acknowledge and encourage, but not so much as to inflate the ego.

• Hidden Praise is Acceptable – Shevach Shelo Bifnav: When someone is not present, we are freer to express the full extent of our appreciation for their good qualities and actions. This is because the concern for fostering pride is absent. This distinction highlights the Torah's sensitivity to the psychological impact of words and the importance of choosing them wisely.

• Motivation Matters – Kavana: The core issue with flattery is the underlying kavana (intention). If praise is offered with the sincere intention of encouraging good deeds, expressing gratitude, or fostering positive relationships, it is a mitzvah. However, if the motivation is self-serving, manipulative, or aimed at gaining favor, it becomes a transgression. The Orchot Tzaddikim (Paths of the Righteous) warns against using flattery as a tool to achieve personal goals, as it corrupts the purity of our interactions. Manipulative flattery creates a false sense of connection and undermines genuine trust.

• Potential for Pride – Ga'ava: Judaism views humility (anava) as a cornerstone of spiritual growth. Flattery, by its very nature, can inflate the ego and lead to ga'ava (arrogance), which is a major spiritual obstacle. The Mesilat Yesharim (Path of the Just, by Rabbi Moshe Chaim Luzzatto) describes pride as the antithesis of closeness to G-d. By avoiding excessive praise, we help protect others from this spiritual pitfall.

• Risk of Lashon Hara – Motzi Shem Ra: Public and effusive praise can inadvertently trigger lashon hara or motzi shem ra from others who may be jealous, resentful, or simply hold a different opinion. Even if our intentions are pure, we must be mindful of the potential consequences of our words and avoid creating an environment where others might be tempted to speak negatively.

• Focus on L'shem Shamayim: The shiur stresses the importance of performing mitzvot l'shem shamayim without seeking earthly rewards or recognition. This pure intention safeguards us from the corrupting influence of flattery, both as the giver and the receiver. By focusing on pleasing G-d alone, we detach ourselves from the need for external validation and preserve the spiritual integrity of our actions.

• Encouragement and Chizuk: While excessive flattery is detrimental, the shiur acknowledges the importance of offering genuine encouragement and chizuk to others, especially those engaged in acts of chesed or struggling to overcome challenges. Sincere words of support can provide much-needed motivation and strengthen their resolve to continue on the right path. This is particularly relevant in the context of marriage, where partners should build each other up with genuine appreciation and support.

• The Importance of Measure – Metziut: The Maharal's perspective highlights the need for metziut (moderation) in all things, including praise. While some flattery may be necessary for social harmony and encouragement, it should always be offered with measure and sensitivity, avoiding extremes. This principle of moderation is a recurring theme in Jewish thought, reminding us to find the appropriate balance in all aspects of life.

Key Terms and Concepts

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